Navigating Life Transitions
One of the concerns that brings most of my clients to therapy centers around some type of life transition. It could be that they are experiencing a new role in their lives such as becoming a parent, children leaving the house, caring for their parents, recently married, recently divorced, etc. Or they may have just moved to a new city/state or started or ended a new job. Whatever the case, they are often in the midst of a life/role transition and are feeling all the feelings about it. We spend time talking about how it is expected that life would feel “weird” or difficult because change is hard. Even when the changes taking place are because of “positive” things like having children, starting a new job, or starting a new relationship. We are often told that we should be happy because of these things and are then confused when happiness is not the only feeling we are experiencing.
The flip side is also confusing. When we experience “negative” changes in our lives such as losing a job or the ending of a relationship we expect that we will “get over” it quickly and are often upset when we are still struggling two weeks after whatever change has occurred. The fact of the matter is that navigating life transitions brings a lot of different emotions and sometimes those emotions can be unexpected and conflicting. For example, you can be experiencing a break up and feel sad and excited about it all at the same time. Or you can have just started your dream job and feel excited and sad at the same time. We can feel a multitude of things at once and that’s okay!
Part of this is because in order to transition to something new we have to say goodbye or let go of what was before. This requires us to grieve a loss of something (identity, place, thing, person, etc.) which is often overlooked. We can also be excited about whatever comes next which requires us to be open to the fact that we might be in uncharted territory and will have to take time to figure out this new way of being. It really is a doozy! So, because I know how challenging it can be to navigate life transitions and change, here are a few things to keep in mind/practice if you are in the middle of a transition:
Practice some self-compassion. This is a great first step because it allows you to show yourself grace as you navigate whatever change you are going through. No need to judge yourself or beat yourself up for feeling whatever you feel. Which leads us to step #2…
Feel your feelings! Allow yourself to experience whatever feelings you have without judgement. In fact, try to be curious about what those feelings are telling you about your current experience. Feeling sad? Maybe that means you need to do something to acknowledge one door closing or experience ending. Feeling nervous? Maybe you need to lean into affirmations and remind yourself about the opportunities ahead?
Give yourself space to mark the end and/or beginning of your experience. For example, if you are moving to a new place, take time to reflect on what you will miss about the place you are leaving. Reflect on the memories you made there and find a way to commemorate them. Then give yourself space to reflect on the things you are excited about as it relates to the new place you are moving to. What are you feeling nervous about? Same goes for having a child or starting a new job. Take time to reflect on where you are coming from and also where you are going.
Of course this is not an exhaustive list of things to help you navigate change. Seeking out support from friends, family, a therapist, spiritual advisor, etc. may also aid in navigating change. The main point I hope you’ve taken away from this post is that life transitions can bring up complicated feelings and it’s okay to feel all of it.
Hindsight is 20/20
Imagine this: You are sitting on your couch, watching TV after a long day. You are just starting to unwind after focusing on ways to make your life better, strengthen your relationships, figure out your career, etc.. It’s been difficult and confusing and stressful. All of the sudden, a future version of yourself pops up in your living room and starts criticizing you. Telling you all the ways that you have messed up and that you should know better. This future version of yourself is saying things that you don’t understand because they are referring to things that you have not encountered or learned yet. You start to feel confused, shamed, and maybe a little hopeless. This is what you are doing to yourself whenever you look back on your past decisions and meet yourself with criticism.
Do any of the following statements sound familiar to you? “I should have known better”, or “How could I have done that? I’m so dumb.”, or even better, “I deserve whatever has happened to me because I made a choice that landed me here.” Ooof. Just look at all the judgement. How do you feel when you say these things to yourself? My guess is you do not feel better. In fact, I imagine you feel like the version of you I described at the beginning of this blog post. Confused, shamed, and a little hopeless. What I remind my clients, and myself when I fall into this way of talking to myself, is that hindsight is 20/20. It is easy to sit in the present, with the knowledge you have now that whatever situation you are referring to has played out, and judge past you. Of course you have a different perspective on it. You know how it turned out. But if we go back to the you that made whatever decisions you are beating yourself up about we realize that that version of you was doing the best they could with the information they had.
We have to try our best to remember that we are always growing, evolving, changing, and learning. We can’t ever really know how things will play out and we can only make the best decisions for ourselves and our situations based on what we know right now. Sure, sometimes we ignore red flags, or make mistakes, and those experiences ultimately help us learn something about ourselves, others, and/or the world around us. Hopefully, we are aware enough to take the lesson from the experience and apply it to the next time we are faced with a difficult task or situation. That is how we grow and move forward. Turning back to our past selves and beating them up does not change the past. It only makes the present more difficult to bear. So my invitation to you is to check in every now and then and make sure that you are not beating past you up. Try to show yourself compassion and explore how those past experiences shape who you are today. Trust me, future you will thank you.
Benefits of Setting Boundaries
One of the main themes in my work as a therapist is around boundary setting. It has come up many times personally and professionally so I wanted to take a moment and write about it here. First let’s start with what it means to set boundaries for yourself in relationships, personally, and professionally. It simply means that you are making decisions while keeping your needs in mind. That’s it. At least that’s how I think about it. Let me give you an example, when a stranger, or someone you don’t really know, is walking too close to you, you may ask them to move back or you may instinctively move away. You are noticing your personal space boundary and made a decision to honor it. We have to do the same thing in our relationships and in our personal and professional lives to maintain our mental health and wellness.
I think on some level we all understand why setting boundaries is important, but it is so difficult for us to do. Most likely this is due to the fact that we are not often taught to advocate for ourselves and our needs because we will be seen as being selfish or rude. What this means is that we often focus on how other people feel, bend over backwards to accommodate other people at our own expense, and live without getting our own needs met which may lead to anger and resentment. How many of us can relate to this? *Raises hand vigorously* How many of us have found ourselves in situations where a friend, family member, co-worker, client, etc. is asking us for something (money, energy, time, attention), that we do not have the bandwidth to give, and we do it anyway? Then whatever energy, money, time, etc. we were saving for ourselves is gone and we aren’t able to take care of ourselves or work towards our goals. We end up feeling drained, frustrated, or resentful. Or like no one in our lives cares about our needs.
Here’s where the benefits of boundary setting, and some tough love, enters the picture. We have to show people how we want to be treated and what we are willing to tolerate. In order for us to get our needs met we need to be honest with ourselves about what we actually need and then communicate that to others either through words or actions. If you just had a long, emotionally draining day and your best friend wants to talk about her never-ending relationship troubles it is okay to say, “I don’t think I am in the right headspace to be there for you in the way I want to be/you deserve. Is it okay if we find time to talk about this later or tomorrow?” Yes, your friend might be frustrated that they could not just dump all their feelings onto you, but they also might appreciate the honesty instead of feeling that you are phoning in your attention. Your mother may want you to come over and spend time with her, but you realize that every time you visit you leave feeling bad about yourself because she makes comments that are critical of some aspect of who you are. It is okay to say, “I don’t think I can come to visit today. I will let you know when I feel up for it” or, if you want to be really brave, “I want to talk with you about how some of your comments make me feel when I visit you. I want to spend time with you, but I also want to be able to be my full self when I am around you.”
I am not suggesting that any of this is easy. Often people will respond to our boundary setting with confusion, frustration, disappointment, etc. which will cause us to second guess ourselves and abandon our needs. I encourage you to remember that you are setting a boundary, communicating that boundary, and holding firm to it in an effort to show up for yourself which ultimately means you can show up more fully for others. It also means that you can be better at respecting other people’s boundaries as well. This also does not mean that others are not responsible for showing you respect before they know your boundaries. There is a level of respect that we all should be given without us having to communicate that. However, we are allowed to take up space and show up for ourselves in our relationships. It’s not an easy thing to do, but it is so worth it in the end.
