Benefits of Setting Boundaries

One of the main themes in my work as a therapist is around boundary setting.  It has come up many times personally and professionally so I wanted to take a moment and write about it here. First let’s start with what it means to set boundaries for yourself in relationships, personally, and professionally. It simply means that you are making decisions while keeping your needs in mind. That’s it. At least that’s how I think about it. Let me give you an example, when a stranger, or someone you don’t really know, is walking too close to you, you may ask them to move back or you may instinctively move away. You are noticing your personal space boundary and made a decision to honor it. We have to do the same thing in our relationships and in our personal and professional lives to maintain our mental health and wellness.

I think on some level we all understand why setting boundaries is important, but it is so difficult for us to do. Most likely this is due to the fact that we are not often taught to advocate for ourselves and our needs because we will be seen as being selfish or rude. What this means is that we often focus on how other people feel, bend over backwards to accommodate other people at our own expense, and live without getting our own needs met which may lead to anger and resentment. How many of us can relate to this? *Raises hand vigorously* How many of us have found ourselves in situations where a friend, family member, co-worker, client, etc. is asking us for something (money, energy, time, attention), that we do not have the bandwidth to give, and we do it anyway? Then whatever energy, money, time, etc. we were saving for ourselves is gone and we aren’t able to take care of ourselves or work towards our goals. We end up feeling drained, frustrated, or resentful. Or like no one in our lives cares about our needs. 

Here’s where the benefits of boundary setting, and some tough love, enters the picture.  We have to show people how we want to be treated and what we are willing to tolerate. In order for us to get our needs met we need to be honest with ourselves about what we actually need and then communicate that to others either through words or actions. If you just had a long, emotionally draining day and your best friend wants to talk about her never-ending relationship troubles it is okay to say, “I don’t think I am in the right headspace to be there for you in the way I want to be/you deserve. Is it okay if we find time to talk about this later or tomorrow?” Yes, your friend might be frustrated that they could not just dump all their feelings onto you, but they also might appreciate the honesty instead of feeling that you are phoning in your attention. Your mother may want you to come over and spend time with her, but you realize that every time you visit you leave feeling bad about yourself because she makes comments that are critical of some aspect of who you are. It is okay to say, “I don’t think I can come to visit today. I will let you know when I feel up for it” or, if you want to be really brave, “I want to talk with you about how some of your comments make me feel when I visit you. I want to spend time with you, but I also want to be able to be my full self when I am around you.” 

I am not suggesting that any of this is easy. Often people will respond to our boundary setting with confusion, frustration, disappointment, etc. which will cause us to second guess ourselves and abandon our needs. I encourage you to remember that you are setting a boundary, communicating that boundary, and holding firm to it in an effort to show up for yourself which ultimately means you can show up more fully for others. It also means that you can be better at respecting other people’s boundaries as well. This also does not mean that others are not responsible for showing you respect before they know your boundaries. There is a level of respect that we all should be given without us having to communicate that. However, we are allowed to take up space and show up for ourselves in our relationships. It’s not an easy thing to do, but it is so worth it in the end.