Healing is not linear
Life can be tough. We are often faced with challenge after challenge and it can feel like a lot. One thing facing all this adversity provides us with is the opportunity to heal from it. When I talk about healing I’m talking about making space for our emotions, processing them, and moving forward. In my work with clients who are trying to heal from past traumas or hardships one of the things I hear most often is, “When am I going to be done with this feeling and/or process?” There is a strong desire to “get over” the tough parts of life and when we can’t do that as quickly as we want to we beat ourselves up or think that something is wrong with us. It adds suffering to an already painful situation.
This desire to move on quickly and heal from whatever caused us pain applies to a variety of challenges but here are the most common ones I find my clients talking about:
Ending of a relationship
Death of an important person in their lives
Workplace trauma
Trauma from childhood
Trauma as an adult in the from of sexual assault or physical abuse
“Failing” at something
Whatever the situation or experience is there is an unrealistic expectation that we move on and we move on fast. So when a few months go by and you feel yourself still trying to navigate uncomfortable feelings try to remember that this is not abnormal. Healing is not a linear process. There will be days where you feel okay, you have more energy, you even forget that there was something wrong. You may have a few days in a row like that! Then you may start to feel sad or angry and you may have a few days in a row like that. You may even have a day that starts off fine and then gets difficult or vice versa. That does not mean that you have gone backwards. It means that you are a human being experiencing the process of healing.
There may also be milestones or other things that bring up difficult emotions such as the holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, songs, pictures, etc. You may be completely surprised by whatever emotions come up around those times and again feel like you’ve not worked hard enough to heal. And again, you are a human being experiencing the full range of emotions that come with healing. Here are some things to consider doing instead of judging yourself for however you are feeling:
Speak kindly to yourself. Imagine you are talking to a friend, loved one, or child when you are talking to yourself. Chances are you would speak more kindly to those folks so apply that same energy to yourself.
Allow whatever feeling you are feeling to be felt and then do something that addresses it. For example, if you are feeling sad, consider what would provide you with comfort in that moment. Is it a warm drink? Warm blanket? Phone call with your best friend? If you are feeling lost, what typically helps you feel grounded? Meditating? Praying? Cleaning your house? Making a to-do list?
Seek out support and help. This could come in the form of a therapist, spiritual advisor, friend, family member, etc. Sometimes we need help when navigating difficult times and emotions. That does not mean that you are “weak” or doing it wrong. It means that you believe you are worthy of feeling better and being supported through the process.
I hope this helps you if you are finding yourself working to heal from a difficult situation or experience. You are not alone and there is help out there available to you!
